Chapter 1
"--I want to quit being an idol," Hoshino Ai said while trying to make her smile as bright as possible. She did not like the heavy atmosphere in conversations like this, so she spoke in a light tone. Stop snacking to diet. Not going to school when you're not in the mood. With a relaxed feeling, she tried to tell them, "I want to quit being an idol." If everything went peacefully, that would be the best.
However, the plan did not go smoothly. Ai's interlocutor, upon hearing her words, was visibly shaken.
"Hey hey hey, wait a minute!"
The loud voice came from the president of the agency. His name was probably Sato or Ito, or something like that.
The president opened his mouth so wide that his chin almost fell off, while staring at Ai.
"Quitting? Are you really saying quit being an idol? Is that serious?"
This was the meeting room of the entertainment agency, 'Ichigo Pro'. Although it was called a meeting room, it was actually more like a waiting room and a small equipment storage room, and also the president's smoking room, which was about six tatami. This was often the case in small agencies like this.
Ai visited this room after her three-hour dance lesson that afternoon, still in her gym clothes. She came alone, unseen by the other members who were changing.
And the reason was none other than to inform the president that she was leaving the idol unit she was in, "B Komachi."
"That's kind of graduating, huh? Maybe it's time for me," Ai said after announcing her decision. The president stared at Ai's telling eyes with a flabbergasted look. What this fool said, he thought, seemed to pierce through his glasses.
"Time to graduate? It's only been three months since you became an idol. Too soon, isn't it?"
"3 months can also graduate, right?"
The president furrowed her brow, "Maybe it is," she said.
"This is a joke, right? Hey, tell me this is a joke."
"It's not a joke. I've decided to quit."
After Ai said that firmly, the president lowered the corners of his eyes, showing a puzzled expression.
An adult facing a problem child would usually have this expression. This was an expression that Ai had long known. Facility employees, teachers at school, it was all the same. A bored look towards a troublesome child.
The president sighed, "Huh," he said.
"What the hell. Ai, you're the center of B Komachi, right? Both in camera layout and song division, you are the most. What makes you dissatisfied?"
Behind the president was the blackboard for the meeting. On that board, there was a flyer announcing the live event held in Shimokitazawa last week. Among the printed photos of B Komachi, Ai looked the most striking. She bowed her head, forming her hands into a love heart shape. Of course, this looks stupid now, she thought.
Although she had now decided to quit being an idol, it was not important now.
"There's no dissatisfaction or anything like that," Ai said, shrugging her shoulders. "Shouldn't I quit because I want to?"
"Of course you can't." the president smacked his lips. "B Komachi has just started doing well. Although it's still considered an underground idol, when we hold performances, the venue is already quite filled. Both the audience and Ichigo Pro staff have high hopes for you. But, if a center like you suddenly dropped out, what would happen? All the hard work so far will be wiped out."
Ai listened to the president's ramblings without much concern. Ai herself was quite familiar with B Komachi's situation.
B Komachi was a new idol unit that had only been formed for three months. Currently, including Ai, there were seven members. All the members were teenage girls.
The other members were originally teenage models already registered with Ichigo Pro, but Ai's position is different. Until last year, she was completely unrelated to the entertainment world.
And that was the problem.
"Actually, I joined B Komachi in a different way than the other members."
When Ai said that, the president nodded.
"I found you wandering the city and recruited you directly. I sensed something special in you."
"They sensed my talent. That doesn't make me feel bad."
"Yeah. Anyway, I think you're really cute. I'm sure that's true."
"You've always been full of confidence. It doesn't matter anyway."
With a half-amazed reaction from the president, Ai continued.
"To be honest, I was immediately chosen as the center. I think the president's eyes are pretty sharp."
"That's probably true."
"But for some reason, it seems to make some people unhappy."
"Who's unhappy?"
"All the members of B Komachi."
After that, new members with no experience in the entertainment industry were immediately selected as centers. For the other founding members, this must have been upsetting. An amateur who had just appeared instantly seized the most conspicuous spot.
"What happened to the other members?"
Asked by the president, Ai replied hesitantly, "Yes, that's it."
"Apparently, the atmosphere would be better if I wasn't around."
Ai's words made the president growl, "Hmm."
"Since you became the center, the atmosphere seems to be a bit tense."
"Not a bit tense, but quite tense, right?"
In the one month since Ai's position as the center became unshakable, the other members were increasingly unhappy. Gossip in the locker room or the sound of sighs had become commonplace. In fact, there had even been an incident on B Komachi's dark site that had been recorded. There were posts like "Ai can't read the atmosphere" or "An idol who is only pretty doesn't deserve to be an idol". Of course, these posts are anonymous and cannot be blamed on anyone. However, given the content that should only be known by insiders, it is clear that it was the work of one of the members. A fairly premeditated act.
In addition, there are often incidents where costumes or props are messed up. The loss of ribbons or stage shoes has become commonplace. There was even an incident where Ai's costume was wrapped and thrown into a garbage can the day before the performance. Such impressions are quite painful.
"To me, it's like, 'This again?' but yeah, I don't know. At school or work too, things like this have happened a lot so far."
In her twelve years of life, Ai has learned two things.
First, she seems to be somewhat different from "normal" in many ways. Her appearance, way of thinking about things, background, living environment. All of these things make Ai significantly different from people her age. She was already used to people feeling uncomfortable around her.
And the second thing she learned was that "normal" people have a hard time accepting those who are not "normal". "Normal" people tend to attack and drive away those who are different to protect their "normal" world. It's like the ducklings in the fairy tale who chase away ducklings that are different in feather color. They do that to preserve their "normal" world. It seems to be an innate instinct of living things.
In other words, Ai always looks strange no matter where she is. Whether at school, work, or B Komachi, Ai is a "duckling with different feathers" to all the "normal" people. This is unavoidable. To remedy this situation, the only way was to kick the ducklings of a different color out.
"So, because of B Komachi not getting along, you decided to leave?"
Stared at by the president, Ai nodded, "Yes, that's right."
"The president used to say, right? Even if it's a lie, you can say 'I love you'. Maybe by continuing to say it, the lie can come true."
"Yes, that's what I meant."
The president nodded. The words he had said when recruiting her.
Although Ai had never experienced loving or being loved by someone, she was allowed to exclaim about 'love'. But it turned out that the result was completely different.
"Different?"
"The harder I try, the more upset B Komachi gets with me. They weren't loving, but it felt like hatred was spreading. It makes me wonder if this is for the best."
In B Komachi, there were members who bullied Ai every day. Although she was used to it, facing genuine malice made her unhappy. When she was bullied online, she lost her spirit. When her personal belongings were destroyed, she couldn't help but feel frustrated.
Although it is said that a smile is important for an idol, in a situation like this, it would definitely be difficult to smile. However, when it came to smiling forcefully in front of the camera, it all felt so stupid.
"I understand what you want to say."
The president showed a confused face. He took another drag on his cigarette and let out the smoke.
"There's no need to give up so quickly. Life often doesn't work out, even if we try hard."
"Yes, perhaps it is, president, the kind of person whose life never goes well..."
Ai cut in, and the president choked on her cigarette smoke. He seemed to be sucking the smoke into his lungs.
"Wait a minute! Hey, wait a minute. You, your words always pierce the heart...?"
"Isn't that a fact, president? Your debts are scattered, the management of this office isn't doing well either... Besides, after drinking at the club and disturbing the hostess, you were banned from entering there, right?"
"That's not the case! Hey, how did you know that!?"
"From Miyako-san."
She was one of the staff working at Ichigo Pro. A beautiful-looking woman who used to work as a racing model and event companion.
Although not very close, within this office, she was one of the few people who could talk to Ai properly.
Ai stared intently at the president's sunglasses.
"Hey, president, lift your spirits, huh?"
"Hey, don't pity me with that look! I can get really sad, you know!"
Holding his head, the president sighed, "Tch."
"You really like to speak directly without caring about the atmosphere, huh... You're really amazing, Ai."
"Yeah? Thank you."
When Ai smiled back, the president scrunched up his face and said, "I'm not being complimentary, you know!"
"Like, I can also understand why the other members are so hard on you. I don't hate that you're like that... but, an annoying person is still annoying."
"Really?"
Ai was just expressing what she thought and felt. She didn't care whether she was liked or hated by the people around her.
"Hmm, that's the way it is. If I'm making things uncomfortable, maybe it's better for me to leave."
"No, I'm not saying that it's entirely you who's bad. Rather, people who are envious and carry hatred have a big problem."
The president put out the already short cigarette into the ashtray, then lazily took another one from his pocket. He lit it and continued talking.
"Basically, this industry is the same everywhere, you know."
"What kind?"
"A storm of jealousy and disruption. Whether we're small like this, or a big group performing at a big event, it's the same everywhere. The essence of idol hasn't changed."
"The essence of idol?"
"If there's a members who stands out more than you, it's bound to make people jealous. The envious members wants to attract the flashy members. In essence, the spirit of completely attacking the flashy one. Although they openly sing 'all members are friends', such a group doesn't exist."
The president muttered that idols are a mass of approval needs. Over the past few months, Ai had also understood that. That being an idol wasn't as grand as it looked.
The president continued with a complicated expression.
"Sometimes even in big groups. The most popular member suddenly announces to retire. When the reason is publicly revealed, it turns out that within the group there was very rough abuse... it's like what often happens in this industry."
"Oh, that's what exposition magazines often reveal, right?"
The president looked cold, extinguishing the cigarette on the ashtray.
"Behind the success of an idol, there are hundreds or thousands of people who failed. That's why this world is what it is. Everyone struggles hard to survive. Some people even end up attacking others without thinking about their feelings later, because they've been hurt by that very cruel competition. I'm sure you can feel it too."
Ai nodded hesitantly.
To Ai, singing on stage was just a job. Getting praise from the audience or being considered funny by them was an extension of that. So, no matter who was the center of attention in B Komachi, or who was the most popular, it had nothing to do with her.
"Even if other members are more popular than me, I don't feel the need to put them down."
When Ai said that, the president raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"Really?"
"How does she feel?"
"Because popularity from fans is basically just an outside judgment. It's not something that matters to me."
"That is, what is not important?"
"Regardless of being praised or insulted by others, I'm still myself, right? Whether I'm center stage or backstage, an idol's duty remains the same."
Ai's response made the president look confused.
"Oh, I see... that kind of mindset. It will be difficult."
"Difficult, in what sense?"
"Stories of differences with the people around you. You are different, for better or worse."
Different. Judged like that, Ai was used to it. In the end, all the problems came from there. Because she was not a "normal" person. Because she couldn't read the atmosphere. Therefore, she couldn't understand others. Neither "normal" idols nor "normal" humans, everything felt foreign to her.
"I think about a lot of things. Sometimes I think, should I not be an idol?"
When Ai said that, the president shook his head firmly.
"Hey, please, Ai. Can you think about it some more?"
The president put her palms together in front of her face and bowed low to Ai.
"The song just came out. And the next stage is already set. If you come out as the center now, both me and B Komachi will be finished."
"Hmm, maybe so." Ai nodded. "But, wouldn't it be better if I left, and you guys could choose a new center or find a new member?"
Idols, in this world, are numerous. Of course, among them, there should be a child who is more adept at singing and dancing than Ai, perhaps even better at socializing. The president could certainly find a replacement quickly.
"No matter who is at the center, it doesn't seem to be getting any worse than it is now," the president said, but he paused before finishing his sentence.
Perhaps, in his heart, he was also thinking, "If we change the center, maybe the atmosphere in B Komachi can get better."
That thought might be true. Any sane person would think so. So, in support of the president's thoughts, Ai smiled gently.
"Surely, the president also wants B Komachi to succeed, right?"
"Obviously. How much do you think I've invested so far just to guide you guys."
"In that case, why are you hesitating?"
The president scratched his head lazily. He slipped his hands into his pockets and took out another cigarette case. But unfortunately, it was empty, so he squeezed it irritably.
"So, what do you think?"
Suddenly questioned, Ai said in shock, "Eh? Me?"
"Yeah, stop being an idol, what will you do?"
Become an ordinary girl. If she really became "ordinary", maybe Ai wouldn't have thought about quitting being an idol. This felt like irony.
"Even if I stop being an idol, I don't think anything will change. Even now, I don't really feel like a celebrity, do I?"
Yes, B Komachi was just an ordinary underground idol group. Just simply registered with an agency. To her, there was no difference between her and ordinary people.
Although there was a slight increase in the number of people coming to concerts, they didn't appear on television or enter the Oricon charts. It only has one internet radio show, that's all.
For an underground idol group like this, graduating will not cause a big problem in society. It's different if a "national idol" exits the industry, however, for one of the hundreds of non-famous idols like this to disappear, it will just pass without anyone knowing. Quietly.
Ai crossed her arms, "But, yes," she said.
"If I quit the agency, maybe I'll go back to school more seriously. With a head like this, I won't be able to enter high school, so... maybe I can enjoy student life while I'm still in middle school."
As Ai said that, the president nodded seriously. He looked into Ai's eyes, and said,
"You've already decided."
"Yeah."
"Then it's okay." The president let out a long sigh. "Enjoy your life to the fullest after this, or do whatever you like."
"Does that mean I can stop being an idol?"
"By the way, it seems like no matter what I say, you don't want to listen anymore."
"Hehe, president, you understand me huh."
The president frowned, "That's not what I meant."
Although they had only interacted for about half a year, it seemed like the president understood Ai quite well. At least, until the end, he couldn't even remember Ai's name.
"Alright, so that's it," Ai tried to stand up from her chair, but the president suddenly remembered something, "Ah, wait a minute."
"Eh?"
"Before you stop, there's one more job I want to leave to you."
"Job?"
Ai tilted her head in confusion. What did the president mean?
"Next week, come with me for a while. There's one more thing I want to do before you leave."
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